Bill Shontz   If You Couldnt Read

IF YOU COULDN’T READ

If you couldn’t read.
The mailman brought
a contest letter months ago
I asked my friend to read it, he said
“Man you’re really slow.
You didn’t sign this letter
by the deadline as agreed,
and you lost a million dollars!”
Gosh I wish I’d learned to read.

Bridge:
I never got a license
‘cause I failed the written test.
I still don’t know the difference between
North, South, East and West.
The greatest thoughts in history,
have all remained a mystery to me.
“Who you?” Indeed!

Spoken:
My teacher asked me if I ever read Plato.
I said “Yeah and I have blue Playdough
and green Playdough and it squishes.”
That’s not right is it? NO!

If you couldn’t read.
I took a bus trip for a holiday vacation
The man said “Check your ticket
to confirm your destination.”
The driver proudly said “We’ve reached
Alaska with great speed.”
But I was going to Miami.
Gosh I wish I’d learned to read.

Bridge instrumental:

Spoken:
My teacher asked if I knew
the works of Edgar Allen Poe.
And I said “Well, if Edgar Allen had worked
he probably wouldn’t have been po’.”
That’s not right is it? No I didn’t think so.

If you couldn’t read.
I had to go real bad,
down at the shopping center.
The restroom signs were up,
I had to guess which one to enter.
I walked into take a seat
and heard an awful scream.
“Excuse me ma’am, I’m sorry.”
Gosh I wish I’d learned to read.

Bridge:
I can never find my friend’s
phone number in a book.
When I sign a contract
I’d undoubtedly get took.
The greatest thoughts in history,
have all remained a mystery to me.
“Who You?” “Indeed”.

Spoken:
My teacher asked
what I think about Socrates.
I said, “Well, I think you need ‘em for
football and I know you need ‘em for golf,
but I don’t rightly think you need soccer
tees. That’s not right is it? No!
If you couldn’t read.
I finally got a job for which I’m qualified.
“No need to read,” the boss said,
“All you gotta do is ride.
Hop in this car, you’ll hit that wall with
devastating speed.
You’re a crash test dummy!”
Gosh I wish I’d learned to read.